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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26242375">The strings on my heart</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idk_why_I_have_this_but9/pseuds/Idk_why_I_have_this_but9'>Idk_why_I_have_this_but9</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Depressed Oikawa Tooru, Hiding Emotions, Hurt, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:47:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,185</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26242375</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idk_why_I_have_this_but9/pseuds/Idk_why_I_have_this_but9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Iwaizumi gets a grilfriend. Oikawa doesn’t know what to do with himself. So he does what his mind tells him. No one knows. No one can know. Until he can’t bring himself to hide it anymore.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>263</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The strings on my heart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/16160327">feelings</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/euphoriaX/pseuds/euphoriaX">euphoriaX</a>.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>IMPORTANT NOTE: this story was based off of the story ‘Feelings’ by EuphoriaX<br/>Go read their story too!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Oikawa knew he wasn’t good enough. He knew he was never </span>
  <em>
    <span>going</span>
  </em>
  <span> to be good enough. He tried, he really tried to not let that get the best of him. But it sometimes didn’t work. Although Iwaizumi was always there to help. To piece him back together. To pull him up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But then,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She</span>
  </em>
  <span> happened. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And everything he had broke.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>~present~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A smile painted Oikawa’s face as he looked at Matsukawa and Hanamaki flirt, not so subtly with each other across the table from him and Iwaizumi. “Damn that food looks good! Not as good at you though.” Oikawa really wasn’t sure why they weren’t dating already, they obviously both loved each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa looked over at Iwaizumi and watched as his head snapped up at a high voice. He followed his gaze to a girl. Iwaizumi watched her walk by, when she was out of sight, he blushed slightly. “Ooooo, Iwa-Chan who is that?” Oikawa said, bumping him with his elbow and winking. “Shut up trashywaka. It was no one.” He said, glaring at Oikawa. He forced a smile and kept eating his milk bread. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next day, Oikawa saw Iwaizumi talking to her, by what he assumed to be her locker. He was smiling brightly and she was blushing, grinning back. Damn why couldn’t Oikawa make Iwaizumi smile like that? He walked past them and Iwaizumi didn’t even look up. Oikawa felt a pit in his stomach forming. He pushed it away. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t be selfish.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>At lunch, everyone sat in their normal spaces. Matsukawa started the conversation by asking, “Iwaizumi, I saw you talking to a girl before school. Do you like her?” Iwaizumi blushed and responded, “Wha- well, maybe. And her name is Hoshimi.” Starlight. Fitting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you going to ask her out?” Hana glanced over at Oikawa after asking, but he kept a small smile on his face as he looked at Iwaizumi. “Yeah. Probably.” Oikawa’s heart sank. He was going to- damn it. He looked down at his food and let the smile slip off his face. He placed his head on his palm and zoned out for the rest of lunch. Her. Was all he could think. Why her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The day after that, Iwaizumi was extra smiley throughout the day. Oikawa was afraid to ask why. Deep down, he probably knew. Nevertheless, it still surprised him when Hoshimi showed up at their lunch table. “Hey everyone, this is Hoshimi, my girlfriend.” Oikawa’s eyes glazed over her face and her dark hair, her blue eyes, her plump lips. “This is Matsukawa, Hanamaki, and Shittykawa.” “It’s Oikawa.” He said, giving a small smile up at her as she sat down next to Iwaizumi. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa didn’t eat. He was too busy looking at her. Her smile was perfect, her laugh was perfect, her face was perfect, her body was perfect, </span>
  <em>
    <span>she </span>
  </em>
  <span>was perfect. And perfect for Iwaizumi. Oikawa’s eyes clouded over and he stood up to go to the bathroom. No one asked where he was going. He didn’t mind. He was too busy trying to keep the tears in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew that he should feel happy for Iwaizumi, so why couldn’t he? Why could he only feel a hole in his chest? Why did he feel anger towards her? Why did he know that he should feel good? That his best friend had gotten a girlfriend, but he couldn’t? Because he was in love with Iwaizumi.  Deeply.  And damn it, it hurt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa opened the door to the bathroom and walked into a stall. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sat down on the toilet and put his head in his hands.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And cried. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sat down and cried. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knew he shouldn’t be crying at school, but it was just, it was just too much for today. Strings tugged at his heart. Why wasn’t he at Iwaizumi heart? What was wrong with him? There was plenty wrong with him. He was annoying for one. He was conceited, he was too upbeat, he was obsessed with aliens, he was too pushy, he was ungrateful, he was a disappointment, he was… he was… unpleasant.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe more than that. Maybe he was…. unlovable. Maybe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa heard the bell and stood up, walking out of the stall and looking in the mirror. His hair was messed up and his eyes were puffy. He whipped at a tear that slid down his face and sighed, reaching down to wash his face with water. He fixed his hair and washed his face once more, for good measure. He looked better. Oikawa walked outside and grabbed his things still at the table that everyone left, and scurried off to his next class quickly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he got home, he greeted his mother quickly and walked up to his room. He closed the door and sat down on his bed. He looked at his phone. There stood his and Iwaizumi’s faces, with no notifications. He expected it. He sighed and laid back, closing his eyes and furrowing his brow. One tear slid down his cheek. Then another. And another. And soon he didn’t even have time to wipe them away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They soaked his pillow as he sobbed into it, his body shaking with every heave and his thoughts filling up his mind. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He would never pick you. Even if he was gay, he would never pick you. You are annoying to him. You heed him. He never really liked you. He never really liked you. He never really liked you. He never really liked you. Never. Don’t fool yourself. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa lifted his shaking hand and reached for his phone. His first instinct was to call Iwaizumi. Right before his finger hit the screen, he stopped. Iwaizumi would want to talk to him anyways. He sniffled and shoved his phone off the bed. His chest felt heavy. Very heavy. Too heavy. It moved quickly up and down. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You are a disgrace. Why would Iwa-Chan love you? Why would he /like/ you? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Oikawa accidentally cried himself to sleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he woke up to his alarm, he smiled. Iwaizumi would walk him to school today! Oikawa got up and got dressed quickly, fixing his mess of himself so no one would notice, then walked out the door. He smiled as he locked it behind him, turning around and the smile vanishing. There was no Iwaizumi. No one stood looking annoyed at his mailbox, with a school bag over their shoulder. No one was there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe he was just late. Yeah, he was probably just late. Oikawa walked out and stood at his mailbox, waiting and looking down the street to Iwaizumi’s house. After about 5 minutes, he pulled out his phone. After another 10 minutes, he sat down. After 20 minutes, he leaned against his mailbox. He had texted Iwaizumi like 100 times and he didn’t respond. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe he was oversleeping. He stood up and jogged to Iwaizumi’s house. He knocked on the door. Iwaizumi’s dad opened it. “Hey, where’s Iwa-Chan?” He asked, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Mr.Iwaizumi looked confused and answered, “He left for school 45 minutes ago.” Oikawa’s stomach dropped but his smile only wavered for a split second. He… he left without him? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, ok thank you Mr.Iwaizumi!” He said, turning around and walking towards school. Why hadn’t he waited? Why didn’t he text him? Why was Iwaizumi going to school extra early? Oikawa looked at the time. Shit he was late. He started running down the sidewalk, to the building and into his first class. “Oikawa. You’re late.” The teacher said, looking at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry sir.” She said, smiling and going to sit down. He still didn’t know why Iwaizumi didn’t wait for him. Thinking about it made him feel sick. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At lunch, Hoshimi sat with them again, this time taking Iwaizumi’s place and sitting next to Oikawa. Oikawa leaned behind her and poked Iwaizumi in the side. He grunted and leaned back, meeting his gaze. “What the fuck do you want shittywaka?” “I was just wondering why you didn’t walk me to school today. I waited for you Iwa-chan! You made me late!” He plastered a grin he didn’t mean on his lips as he said this, only to gain a scoff from Iwaizumi. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah right. I didn’t make you late loser, you made yourself late. I was walking with Hoshimi.” “Oh.” He said. “Yeah, he was walking with me. Sorry if that bothers you Oikawa-kun.” Hoshimi said from above them. He trasphred his gaze to her and said quietly, “No, no it’s ok.” He sat up again and looked at the wall behind Matsu. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He zoned out for a while. So he was walking with Hoshimi. And he didn’t bother telling him. Or answering his texts. Or even telling his parents, no. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He doesn’t care about you. Why would he want to walk with you? He doesn’t care what you have to say.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “Oikawa!” Oikawa snapped his head to the voice, it turning out to be Hana’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You good? You zoned out.” Oikawa smiled a little and responded, “Oh, I’m fine!” “Dreaming about milk bread?” Matsu asked, smiling and cocking an eyebrow. “Oh shush!” He exclaimed, kicking him lightly in shin under the table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At volleyball practice, Oikawa keeps his head up for the only thing that is always there. Never changing. Same rules. Same positions. Same sound of the ball hitting the floor. He likes it. Only this time, whenever Iwaizumi talks to him, which isn’t very often, it is about Hoshimi. And it is driving Oikawa insane. He feels like he is about to snap at any moment, tears ready to fall from his eyes quickly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His tosses are off and Iwaizumi yells at him for every misplaced one. Which is a lot. He knows that the others notice it, because they all send him glances they think he doesn't see. He is being selfish. He can’t have Iwaizumi all to himself. He knows that. But it doesn’t help the slight shaking in his fingers and the weight on his chest. When Oikawa sets an extremely bad ball to Iwaizumi, he loses it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shittywaka!” Oikawa’s shoulders fly up to his ears at the voice as he slowly turns around. “What the hell is your problem?” “W-what do you mean Iwa-Chan?” “Oh you know exactly what the fuck I mean. Your sets are terrible today! So why the hell is that? You fucking distracted or something?” Oikawa bites the inside of his cheek and responds, “No, no, I’m just…. off.” Iwaizumi scoffs and returns to his position. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa’s hands shake more afterwards, and his sets are worse. Everyone notices. Except Iwaizumi, who keeps yelling at him, making each one gradually get more sloppy or misplaced. At the end of practice, Oikawa says he is going to stay after, so Iwaizumi gives him the keys to lock up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyone goes into the locker rooms and Oikawa starts working on his serving. Almost everyone has left. Smack. One. Smack. Two. Smack. Three. Damn it it was off. Smack. four. Damn it! Smack. Five. Shit! He looks over to where the ball rolled off of the court, stopping at the wall. Why was he so off? </span>
  <em>
    <span>You are trash at this. You never meet anyone’s expectations. You are terrible at everything.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Tears start to threaten to fall from Oikawa’s eyes as he sinks to his knees and stares at the balls on the other side of the court.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He really </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> terrible at everything. He stares. The knot in his stomach grows. He stares more. It grows more. Oikawa stays frozen in place until he hears, “Oikawa?” He whips his head to the words and wipes at the tear on his cheek quickly, meeting eyes with Matsu and Hana. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“W-what are you doing?” Oikawa looks back at the balls saying, “Nothing.” “Are you ok?” He jumps up and smiles at them, putting a hand on his hip saying, “Yeah! Of course! I just zoned out for a second there. Oops! Haha.” He walked over to the other side and started to pick up the balls. “Are you sure? You looked really, uh, really upset there.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m good! I promise!” He said, bending down to pick up another ball. “Is this about Iwaizumi?” Oikawa froze. “It is, isn’t it.” He slowly turned around to them and looked at their worried gazes. “Maybe.” He mutters, walking over and placing the balls into the cart. “It’s because you like him don’t you.” “Maybe.” He mutters again, wheeling the cart over to the storage room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And he has a girlfriend now.” “Guys, I’m fine! I’m just a little upset because of it! That’s ok! I’ll get over it!” Oikawa said, coming back out of the closet. “Are you sure?” Hana asks. “Yes.” He says. He’s not. He sure he won’t. But they don’t have to know that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next day, when Oikawa sees Iwaizumi standing at his mailbox, he smiles widely. A real smile. “Iwa-Chan!” He exclaims, running up to him but then stopping 2 thirds to the way. A head of black long hair peeks out from under his shoulder. His smile vanishes as Iwaizumi turns to reveal Hoshimi under his arm. “Hey trashywaka.” He says. Oikawa starts walking again to them and greets her. “Hey Hoshimi.” He tried to sound as bright as he can, but there is still an underlying tone of disappointment to it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello Okiawa-Kun! Iwaizumi said that he wanted to walk both of us today, so here we are!” She says, smiling at him. Oikawa fakes one back and they all start walking. At first, Oikawa tries to walk next to Iwazuimi on the sidewalk, but gets pushed into the grass slowly. Then he tries on the street next to Hoshimi, but decides that that isn’t safe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighs and falls into step behind them, shoving his hands into his pockets and watching the ground. Honestly, this hurts more than walking alone. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Stop it. You selfish prick. Let Iwaizumi be. Let Hoshimi be. You are ruining their relationship. Do you really want to be the reason for that? Back off.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Oikawa falls farther away from them and stops trying to enter the conversation. He really is ruining it is he? Iwaizumi’s life that is.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At lunch, he sits down in a haze and doesn’t engage in conversation unless addressed. Even so, his responses are bland and quicker than normal. He feels Matsu and Hana’s gazes on him but brushes it off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At home, he walks into his room and cries. Same as last night. Same as the night before that. Only tonight, it hurts more than normal. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Useless. Ugly. Disappointment. Annoying. Stupid. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Words caress his brain and his chest gets heavier and heavier. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Punish.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Is the word that runs through his mind. It couldn't hurt to do it once, right? He gets up and walks quietly to his bathroom, careful not to draw attention to himself from his parents. Maybe just once. Just once. Just once. He repeats to himself as he pulls out a razor from under the sink. He walks back to his room looking at it. He sits against the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just once.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tears fall down his face as he places it at his wrist. Wait wait wait. He can’t do it there. The team will see. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Thighs. Do your thighs. They won’t see your thighs. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Oikawa pulls up his shorts and places the razor on the skin. His mind screamed at him to do it. That he deserves it for being selfish. For being annoying. For being useless. For being not good enough. Blood starts to crawl out of the cut. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa didn’t expect it to feel this good. It was like the weight on his chest lifted for a moment or two. It was like he really was doing the right thing. Tears continued to fall down his face and he made more and more cuts. Once the tears subside, he looks down at his bloody thighs. Shit, he made too many. Oikawa sighs and gets up, walking to the bathroom quietly again and washing everything and then getting in the shower. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The cuts burned slightly and he watched as the water ran the blood away. He let it run down his back and he let himself be calmed for once. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he got out, he looked at himself in the mirror. He picked out every small thing that was wrong. He resented them. Even the good things. They turned bad. Fluffy hair? Too fluffy. Good skin? Too obsessed with it. Pretty eyes? No. They were ugly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Oikawa was ugly. And he started to realize that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The strings on his heart pulled a little harder the longer he looked at himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next day, he wore longer shorts to school. He didn’t pay attention in class, he stared out the window. He didn’t talk at lunch, he looked at his food. He didn’t answer questions from the teacher. He was just kind of… there. At volleyball practice, he put on his best mask. He smiled at everyone and tried to seem interested. He tried to muster up the energy to cheer on his teammates, he really did everything he could. To seem happy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But the more he smiled, the harder it got. Especially with Hoshimi watching on the sidelines. Damn, that was so hard. She cheered loudly for Iwaizumi and he smiled brightly at her. After practice, they were all talking to her, standing in a circle. Oikawa excused himself and went into the locker rooms. He changed first so that no one would see his thighs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just as he pulled on his shorts, the rest of the team walked in. They all changed and Oikawa walked out, not even bothering to ask Iwaizumi to go with him. He knew he wouldn’t. He hated himself for being like this. He hated himself for not being able to give 100%. He hated himself for feeling like he was feeling. He shouldn’t be acting like this all because Iwaizumi didn’t pick him to date.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If Iwaizumi wanted to love another person, he should. It shouldn’t matter to Oikawa. It shouldn’t. But it does. And he blames himself for it. Every time he thinks about it, he feels himself feeling worse inside. He knows he should stop then, but he can’t. It is all that’s on his mind. Oikawa knew he always was hard on himself. He did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But now, he feels like everything he does is wrong or not good enough or unperfect. He himself if unperfect. Every single thing his mind tells him, he believes. He believes that he is annoying. He believes that he is ugly. He believes that no one would miss him if he died. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That night at home, he sits in the corner of his room, crying the hardest he has in a while. He wants to be held. He wants to be held by Iwaizumi. He calls him. “This is Iwaizumi. Sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, I’m busy. If this is you Oikawa I don’t want to hear about the alien conspiracy you have now. Leave a message at the beep.” Oikawa smiles softly at the sound of his voice and waits for the beep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Iwa-Chan. I know you probably are busy. Or with Hoshimi.” His voice cracks at the girl’s name. “But, I would really like it if you came over right now. I *sniffle* I really need you right now. But if you can’t, *hiccup* that’s- that’s ok. Bye now.” He presses the end button and places his phone to the side of him. He hugs his knees tightly and rocks back and forth slowly, tears staining his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tooru, dinner’s ready.” He heard his mom say from the other side of the door. He looks up and opens his mouth but he can’t force anything out. “Tooru?” He hears again. The door opens and his mom gasps at the sight of her son, curled up in the corner of his room with tears falling down his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tooru!” She exclaims, running to him and sitting down next to him, hugging him. “What’s wrong baby?” Oikawa can’t muster out any words, he just bawls uncontrollably into his mother’s shoulder. “Shhh, shhh, it’s ok. It’s ok.” She whispers to him, leaning side to side calmly as she holds him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oikawa cries himself to sleep. Again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Oikawa wakes up, he gets ready and walks out the door. “Hey trashywaka.” He jumps at the sound and turns around, smiling brightly when he see Iwaizumi standing at his mailbox. With no Hoshimi. He locks his house quickly and runs up to him exclaiming, “Iwa-Chan! Hey!” Iwaizumi rolls his eyes and they start walking, side by side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, um, my mom told me that you haven’t been feeling the best lately.” Oikawa’s heart sped up. “Um, what do you mean Iwa-Chan?” “My mom got a call from your mom.” Oikawa’s stomach dropped to his feet. “Oh, haha, yeah, I was just tired. Nothing to worry about.” Iwaizumi side-eyed him, as he looked at his feet hitting the ground. “She said you cried to sleep.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa choked on his air and responded, “Haha, like I said, I’m just tired. I’m perfectly fine Iwa-Chan!”... “Alright.” He says skeptically, looking back ahead of them. They walked the rest of the way in silence, making Oikawa uncomfortable and fidgety. He couldn’t know. He would hate Oikawa. He couldn’t know. He can’t know. He can’t know. He can’t- </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oikawa!” He snapped his head up to Hana and Matsu running at him. “Hey!” He said, smiling at them. “Guess what?” They asked, bouncing up at down. “What?” Oikawa asked back, trying to sound amused. “Coach said that we could have popsicles after practice today!” Oikawa smiled at them and responded, “Yay!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At practice, Oikawa noticed everyone working extra hard. Except him. He could barely set a good ball to anyone’s sweet spot. The more bad sets he set, the more he quieted himself. The less he talked. The less he cheered. The less he felt confident in his skills. Hoshimi showed up. By that time Oikawa was silent. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all sat outside the gym afterwards, everyone eating a popsicle except Oikawa, who gave his to Hoshimi. She deserved it more than him. He slipped away from the rest of the team and worked on his serves. He served the thirty balls, picked them up, then went again. And again. And again. And again. He was quite sure everyone was done with their popsicles, now, but he didn’t know why they hadn’t come inside yet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa hit one ball and it hit the net, falling onto his side along with 10 others. He growled at himself, mad that he couldn’t do the one thing he used to be able to do. Because in his mind, he had always been bad at volleyball. He had always been useless to the team. He had always been irrelevant. Maybe 3 months ago, he wouldn’t have thought that. But now, now it was all he could think about. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Every time he stepped onto the court, he could only think of how the team would be better without him. He served another ball. Out. He served another. Out. He served another. Out. It angered him that he couldn’t do it. It made him so </span>
  <em>
    <span>damn  </span>
  </em>
  <span>angry. He picked up a ball from the cart and looked at it. “Arghhhhh!” He screamed as he chucked it at the net. It bounced onto the ground. He picked up another and chucked it as hard as he could. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stupid fucking shit head. Get your fucking serves right. You can’t do fucking anything. Fucking useless. I can’t believe you. Can’t do one fucking thing right. Fucking useless!” He yelled at himself, throwing ball after ball at the net. A few tears fell down his face as he continued yelling things at himself, throwing the balls as hard as he possibly could. He picked up another one when he felt a hand on his arm as it was drawn back. He jumped and turned around. Matsu was standing there. Tears in his eyes, holding onto Oikawa’s arm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah!” He screamed, falling away from his hold onto the ground. He looked around with wide eyes. Everyone on the team was standing there, behind him. He scanned their fearful faces. Everyone except Iwaizumi and Hoshimi. “Oikawa…” he jumped up and smiled at them saying quickly, “Oh hey guys! What’s up! I’m just practicing serving.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He put a hand on the cart and smiled brightly at him, every second of his lips curled up, draining more energy out of him. “Oikawa, you are obviously not ok. What’s wrong?” Hanna asked, stepping up by Matsu. Oikawa’s smile faltered for a second before he pipped up, “Nothing! I’m perfectly fine! Just great!” He can’t believe he let himself slip. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He can’t believe he let them see it. A pit grew larger in his stomach and his head started to hurt. “Oikawa, your hands are shaking.” Oikawa looked down at his hand and sure enough, it was. “Oh, haha, how weird.” He said, smiling back at them. “I’m fine guys! No need to worry! I just lost my cool for a second there. Everything’s good!” He said, scratching the back of his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” Yahaba asked, raising his eyebrows at him. “Of course! 100%!” He said. He reassured them for a few more minutes until they dispersed. Oikawa let out a breath he was holding and sighed, rubbing his face. “Stupid fucking idiot.” He murmured to himself. He jogged over and collected all the balls, placing them in the cart and rolling it into the storage room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He went into the locker room and changed in one of the stalls, so that no one would see him. When he came out, he noticed that everyone was standing there, waiting by the door. Oikawa looked at him and cocked his head, trying to seem like himself. Or what he remembered himself to be like. “Oikawa, you know you can always talk to us right? We are your team and you are our captain. You have to have trust in us.” Kindaichi said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa forced another smile and responded, “Well, of course! I do trust all of you! And I would talk to you if something was going on. You all know that!” They all smiled a little and nodded at him and then let him leave, unblocking the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Oikawa got home, he went straight to the bathroom. He was tense and tired from the day. He grabbed the razor and stuffed it in his pocket before walking back to his room. Just as he sat down, someone knocked on his door. His breath hitched and he shoved the razor back into his pocket as it opened. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tooru? Honey, can we talk?” His mom asked, walking in and sitting on his bed. Damn it this isn’t good. “Sure mom, what’s up?” He asked, smiling at her. She smiled slightly back at him and sighed. “I just want to know what’s wrong. You have not been yourself lately. I just wanted to check in and make sure everything is ok.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shit he hasn’t been hiding it as well as he thought, has he. “I’m fine mom! Just a little stressed. That’s all.” “Why are you stressed?” Oikawa thought for an excuse for a second before saying, “We have a practice game against Karasuno next tuesday.” His mom looked relieved and patted his head saying, “Oh, Tooru, don’t be stressed about that. You will do great!” Of course, Oikawa doubted this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks mom.” She kissed the side of his head before getting up and walking out. “Fuuuuuck.” He groaned when she walked down the stairs, he rubbed his face and pulled out the razor. He pulled up his shorts and dragged the blade across the skin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tears started to fall down his face as he made more and more. He thought of how much everything was his fault. He was making other people worry about him. He could handle this on his own. He shouldn’t make others worry. He thought of how he hates himself. How his attitude is bad and his personality is annoying and his hobbies are weird. He thought of how Iwaizumi hates him. How he doesn’t want to hang out with him anymore. How Iwaizumi doesn't like him anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He believed everything the voice in his head said to him. He had started believing it a long time ago. And now it was just the truth to him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Your friends hate you. Iwaizumi hates you. Hoshimi hates you. You're just pathetic. You really, really are pathetic. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa looked at the blade. He looked at his wrist. It was so clean and so…. tempting. His thighs were littered with cuts, but his wrist, his wrist was an empty canvas. Before he could think, he raised the blade and to that canvas and pushed it in, dragging it across and watching. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He did it again and again and again. Wait! Wait wait wait! No he can’t there! Oikawa gasped at himself and grabs a tissue to dab at the blood. Shit shit shit shit. What’s he going to do? His teammates </span>
  <em>
    <span>can’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> see that. They just </span>
  <em>
    <span>can’t</span>
  </em>
  <span>. What the hell is he supposed to do? He leaned his head back on the wall behind him and closed his eyes. What the hell was he supposed to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Long sleeves. He would have to wear long sleeves. He didn’t have anything else, so that would have to do. He walked to the bathroom, the open wounds burning under his shorts. He washed the blade and put it back in his pocket. Oikawa was going to start keeping it in his room, it is too hard to go back and forth from the bathroom. He felt his string pull more at his heart. A small crack formed. He sighed and hopped in the shower. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next day Oikawa put on a sweatshirt and shorts, and packed a long sleeve athletic shirt for volleyball practice. He skipped breakfast again and didn’t bother packing a lunch. He wouldn’t be hungry with Iwaizumi and Hoshimi there too. He locked his door and turned around slowly, crossing his fingers that Iwaizumi would be there. He sighed when he wasn’t. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t be selfish. Let Iwaizumi live his life. It’s your own fault he doesn’t want to be around you. You bothered him out of your life. Your fault. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>When he got to school, he walked into his first class with his head down, not greeting the teacher or anyone else like normal. Throughout the class, he continued to pull down his sleeves, or play with them. At lunch, everyone sat down, Iwaizumi in his regular spot today. “Hey Oikawa, why are you wearing a sweatshirt when it’s hot?” Hana asked, directing all the attention to him,</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, um, I like it!” He said, smiling with only his mouth because his eyes were too busy being worried. “But why didn’t you just wait until it got colder?” “I just wanted to wear it now I guess.” He said, playing with the sleeves again under the table. Matsu gave him an unconvinced look, but everyone started to talk about something else again, allowing Oikawa to relax. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Through the rest of the day, Oikawa couldn’t focus, he was too busy trying to doodle on his paper to pay attention. He got called out for it twice, him normally being a good student, but he just said sorry and went back to it. When volleyball practice came around, he changed in a stall again and walked out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Long sleeves again Oikawa?” Matsu asked him, cocking an eyebrow as he held onto a ball. “Yep!” He said, flashing a small smile before starting. Oikawa explained the drill, the first person would bump the ball to him and he would set it back, then they would jump up and hit it to the other side. A classic volleyball drill. As it went on, Oikawa started to get hot. Really hot. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was also very focused on getting the sets right. After that drill, they did another drill, then one more and decided to end in a scrimmage. Him and Watari, Shido, and Kindaichi were on the same team. Iwaizumi wasn’t there. He skipped. About half way through, Oikawa was focused so much that he rolled up his sleeves. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After 2 more plays, he heard someone on his side gasp. He looked over at Kindaichi who was looking wide eyed, at him. Oikawa’s hands were in the setting position as the ball rolled on the floor away from them all. “What?” He asked, confused. Everyone else started staring at him too. He put his hands down, onto his hips looking around at them. “What?!” He asked again, genuinely confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oikawa, what- what did you do?” Oikawa was lost. “What the heck are you talking about Hana?” He looked down at himself and back up, still not registering what he had done. “You’re arm.” Oikawa gasped and grabbed his wrist. He rolled his sleeve back down and started breathing heavy. “What did you do?” Hana asked again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing! I’m fine!” He said as he slowly started to back off the court, everyone following him. “Let me see.” Matsu said, sticking out a hand. “There’s nothing to see!” He pushed out. “Oikawa. Let. Me. See.” His heart skipped a beat at his tone. He hesitantly and slowly stuck out his arm. Matsu grabbed it and rolled up his sleeve. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He gasped at the cuts. “Oikawa…” Oikawa looked at the ground as tears ran off his face. “I’m fine!” He said, looking up at him and smiling through the tears. “I’m fine!” He said again. Matsu brushed his thumb over the skin and everyone gathered around them. Oikawa yanked his hand away and rolled the sleeve back up. “Just, don’t say anything. P-Please.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Matsu looked at him with sad eyes and wrapped his arms around Oikawa’s waist. Oikawa gasped and stood, frozen. Hana joined. So did Kindaichi. Then everyone else. Oikawa stood there, unmoving as his team hugged him. He heard scattered sniffles and hiccups. He heard small murmurs of kind words. Small I’m so sorrys and we should have knowns. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they pulled away, Oikawa sank to the floor and buried his head in his hands. He let the tears fall. Everyone sat down beside him or in front of him, Matsu hugging him again and some people rubbing his leg. “It’s ok. It’s ok.” Hana whispered to him. Oikawa cried and cried. He failed. He failed to hide it. Damn it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he could talk again, he looked up at all of them and said, “I’m- I’m sorry.” He was immediately met with lots of, “Don’t be sorry!” “There is nothing to be sorry about!” “It’s ok!” “Don’t blame yourself!” Oikawa couldn’t take it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I am sorry! Alright! I can’t do anything right! I can’t even hide what I need to! I’m such a fucking failure and you all know it! My best friend never even fucking talks to me anymore! Because he realized!” He yelled, gesturing dramatically. “Oikawa Tooru. That is </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> true. You are in </span>
  <em>
    <span>no</span>
  </em>
  <span> world a failure. You are amazing and determined and you are the best captain we could ask for. Never, </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever</span>
  </em>
  <span> doubt that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pretty soon, Oikawa had explained everything to them. From liking Iwaizumi to hating himself. And they listened to it all. It was a strange sensation for Oikawa. To talk about it. But he pushed through and they all gave suggestions and tried to help him. Oikawa could feel the tear in his heart be patched a little. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For the next week, Oikawa didn’t really talk to Iwaizumi. He talked to everyone else, and tried to seem to be better. Sometimes, he caught himself smiling. For real. Not a fake one. It filled his chest with warmth. But at home, things were still the same. Always the same. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Today, Hoshimi didn’t sit with the rest of the group. Matsu asked Iwaizumi about it, but he just brushed it off, saying he didn’t want to talk about it. Tonight was the Karasuno game. Oikawa was scared to see Tobio. He was scared he would be better than him. After school, they went to the gym and changed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The team had given him bandages for his thighs and wrist, so he wore them now. So that the other team wouldn’t see accidentally. When they were warming up, he heard Hinata whisper to Daichi and Suga, “Why does the grand king have bandages on his wrist?” Oikawa’s smile faded as he listened to their response. “That is not our business Hinata.” Suga said, daichi then telling him to warm up and stretch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt their gazes on his back as he bent down to stretch his calves and he shuddered. They don’t… they don’t know do they? They can't, right? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Karasuno won the first game. Oikawa had to excuse himself to go to the bathroom so that no one could see his eyes well up with tears. Matsu and Hana followed, talking him out of his state and helping him clean up. When they walked back out, everyone was ready to start the second match. Aobajohsai won. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was their third match. 14 to 13, Karasuno in the lead. One more point for them to win. One more for his team to lose. It was their serve. Tobio jumped and hit the ball, Watari getting it and bumping it to Oikawa, who set it to Iwaizumi without hesitation. With Hinata in front of him, he should be able to get a good line drive. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He did. Only Nishinoya picked it up. Tobio set it to Hinata for their freak quick attack. Oikawa saw it coming. Right behind their wing spiker. He watched in slow motion as the ball started falling quickly in front of him. He dived. He didn’t feel the ball connect. He heard it hit the ground. Right in front of him. He stared at it from his place on the ground by the sidelines. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Karusuno broke into cheers, Aobajohsai stood still. Looking at Oikawa. Oikawa looked at the ball. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Failed. You failed. You failed your team. Loser. You lost. You are not good enough. You never were good enough.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Now Karusuno was looking at him too, wondering why he hadn’t got up and pulled up his team yet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shittykawa.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Oikawa stayed still. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oi, dipshit! You could have gotten that! God, you're such an </span>
  <em>
    <span>idiot</span>
  </em>
  <span>! That was such an easy save! What the hell is wrong with you?” He screams, leaving a silence to fall over the room when he finishes. Oikawa stands up slowly. Everyone is shocked to see tears streaming down his face as he slowly looks over his shoulder, smiling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry Iwaizumi.” He says. The strings on his heart pull too hard, and it opens again. It cracks deeper. He stays frozen, tears still streaming, a sick smile still stuck on his face. Iwaizumi is standing there, staring at him. His mouth is open and his eyes are wide. He had never seen that expression on Oikawa.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Karasuno stares. “You bitch!” Screams matsu to Iwaizumi as he runs to Oikawa’s side as the boy’s smile falls away. “Oikawa!” Hana exclaims, also running to his side. Matsu hugs the unmoving boy with Hana and Oikawa just stared off into the distance, the hole in his chest, too great. It hurts too much. He failed. He’s… </span>
  <em>
    <span>failed</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They let go and Oikawa turned to everyone, genuine </span>
  <em>
    <span>brokenness</span>
  </em>
  <span> on his face. “I’m sorry. I failed. I tried to be better. I did. But… it didn’t work. So… I’m sorry.” He says to everyone. The rest of his team runs to him and wraps him in a hug, retorting his words but all he can do is look at Iwaizumi. Look as his heart breaks more. Look as </span>
  <em>
    <span>he</span>
  </em>
  <span> breaks more. And Iwaizumi can only look back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa gives a soft smile and everyone lets go, so he walks out. He doesn’t bother changing. He just leaves. Just as he reaches the door, he turns to everyone still looking at him and says, “Thank you.” Then walks home. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oikawa doesn’t come to school the next day. He looks at the ceiling in his room and sighs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next day, Oikawa doesn’t come to school. He mustered up the energy to get up and walk around. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On Friday, Oikawa goes to school. Everyone is so glad to see him, they say. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Lies.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Everyone is so happy he’s ok. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Pity.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Oikawa forces way too many smiles. He wants them to think he’s ok. Even if he isn’t. Because he heeds them. Because he makes their lives miserable. Because they would be better without him. They would be better if he… died. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now the first time it crossed his mind, he shook the thought off. No, he can’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>die</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But the more he thinks about it, the more he considers it. There is a bridge nearby. A high one. A deserted one. A perfect one. He flies through the day, and is soon walking home. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he gets into his room, he lays down on his bed. He hears his phone ringing. Without looking at it, he picks it up. “Oikawa?” He hears Iwaizumi’s rough voice say. “Oh, hi.” He said quietly, looking at his spinning fan. “I wanted to ask if you are doing ok.” Now? He was asking this now? After everything that happened on Tuesday? “Um, yeah I’m fine.” Oikawa didn’t even try to add any extra pip to it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Seriously, what’s your deal? You have been so dramatic lately! You make it seem like the world revolves around you. It doesn’t Oikawa. I don’t know what the fuck that was at the game on Tuesday, but I do know that you made everyone cry after you left. Cry, Oikawa. Cry. You make everyone so worried about you and it probably isn’t that big of a deal. So tell me what it is so that I can make you stop acting like this.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Damn. A tear ran down his face. “Oh.” Was all he could say. “Oh? Fucking oh?! That’s all you have to say Oikawa? Tell me what is going on!” Oikawa gulped down the lump in his throat and he said, “I’m sorry. Nothing is going on. Like you said, I’m just being dramatic. I have to go now Iwaizumi.” “Wai-” He clicked end call. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He put his phone down and on silent as it rang again. He shoved his face into his pillow as he bawled. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>being dramatic. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>being annoying. He should die. Everyone would be released from the pain he causes them. It would be for the best. Yeah. For the best.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next day, Oikawa goes to school again. Hoshimi doesn’t sit with them again. Oikawa doesn't notice. He does notice, however, people in the halls giving him dirty looks. He does notice the things they whisper to each other. He does notice that Matsu and Hana try to shut them up with looks all day. He does notice that he is becoming more and more of a burden. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he won’t be soon. It will all be ok soon. After volleyball, Iwaizumi catches up with him. “Hey Oikawa, I’m going to walk home with you.” Oikawa looks up at him. “Ok.” He says. They walk in silence until Iwaizumi says, “Look, trashywaka, what I said yesterday wasn’t all correct.” Oikawa looked over at him. “I mean you probably don’t want to tell me or anything, but I just want to know what’s up.” “There is nothing going on Iwaizumi.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s what the I mean. Where is the Iwa-Chan? You didn’t even call me that when we first met. It was straight to Iwa-Chan.” Oikawa shrugged and shoved his hands into his pockets. They continued in silence as he entered his house. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next day, Oikawa decided. It was going to be after school today. Throughout the day, he talked to everyone more and smiled at them, letting them know he loved them. At least most of them. Some he would save for later. When practice got out, he walked home, told his mom he was going for a walk and started to the bridge.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On the way, he texted Matsu and Hana, leaving them both a few last words. He didn’t text his parents though. They would find out soon enough. They didn’t need pain right now. Then he called Iwaizumi. “This is Iwaizumi. Sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, I’m busy. If this is you Oikawa I don’t want to hear about the alien conspiracy you have now. Leave a message at the beep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Iwa-Chan! …. I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being with me when I needed it. Thank you for doing what you can. Thank you for giving me your bug when I couldn’t catch my own when we first met.” Oikawa laughed slightly at the memory as he walked, continuing,</span>
</p><p>
  <span> “Thank you for being the best friend I could ask for. Even if I always sort of wished you were more than that. Ha, how naive I am. To think you could love me as I love you. Because I do love you Iwa-Chan. No matter how much you can hurt me, I love you. But now you won’t have to deal with me being annoying! I’m dead! Haha.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You were there when I needed it. When you knew I needed it at least. And I thank you for that. But *sniffle* I just want you to know that it isn’t your fault. Goodbye… forever. I love you Iwa-Chan. Forever.” And with that, he ended the call and kept walking. When he got to the bridge, he smiled and ran to the ledge.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked over it. It had no railing, only a small bump of concrete. Perfect. Oikawa wanted a few moments to himself first. He sat down on the ledge and looked at the water beneath him. He smiled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>——-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Iwaizumi had realized that he loved Oikawa last night. He realized that he loved him big time. Him and Hoshimi had broken up a few days ago and he was walking home. His phone was on silent in his back pocket. That’s why he didn’t answer Oikawa’s call.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he got inside, he pulled it out and listened to the voicemail left for him. Three sentences in, he knew something was wrong. Really wrong. He looked onto find my iPhone and looked to where Oikawa’s phone was, his being on Iwaizumi’s because he lost it so much. He was at the abandoned bridge. Fuck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Iwaizumi sprinted out of his house, feet pounding on the ground as he ran as fast as he could. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>——</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oikawa swung his legs back and forth. He was ready. He was ready to leave. To stop being a burden. He stood up on the ledge, looking to the horizon. “I’m sorry.” He whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“OIKAWA!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“OIKAWA!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“NO!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“STOP!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oikawa took a step. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t fall.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was tackled to the ground. </span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It took him a second to realize what just happened, that he wasn’t dead. I looked down to see Iwaizumi with his arms wrapped around him, clutching him tightly. “Oikawa.” He whispered, his body shaking and tears streaming down his face. “Oikawa you fucking asshole. Don’t ever fucking do that again.” Oikawa tried to get up but Iwaizumi held him tighter. “No.” He said simply. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Iwaizumi let me go.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let me go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Iwaizumi.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No! You are not going to kill yourself!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa froze, shocked. “W-why?” He asked quietly. “What the fuck do you mean why?!” “Why not?” He whispered. Iwaizumi looked up at him. “Why the fuck would you?” “Because, Iwaizumi, I am nothing! I am not good enough! I am annoying and stupid and useless, damn I am </span>
  <em>
    <span>so </span>
  </em>
  <span>fucking useless.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oikawa shut the fuck up! No you are not!” Oikawa stayed silent. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You couldn’t even kill you self. Such a failure.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “Yes I am.” He whispered, so quietly Iwaizumi wouldn't have heard it if he wasn’t holding the boy down. “Oikawa, I’m so so so so sorry. I was terrible to you. I only thought about myself. I didn’t think what you were going though was so severe. Fuck, I’m so sorry. I promise you that I will try my </span>
  <em>
    <span>hardest</span>
  </em>
  <span> to make up for how much of bitch I have been.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa’s eyes widened and he started, “Woah! This isn’t your fault! I was just so annoying to you so you did what was best! It’s my fault if anything. I deserve everything.” “Tooru!” Oikawa’s eyes snapped to his face at his first name. “Shut the fuck up! No you don’t! It was my fucking fault! I made you feel like shit! I was so distracted with Hoshimi and with myself that I didn’t bother to think about how you were feeling. I was the one that made you feel like this. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please </span>
  </em>
  <span>don’t ever say that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… why… but-” “No buts. Tooru you are the most important person in my life. Even if I acted like you weren’t. I was just trying to figure out my feelings. And fuck, I handled them so wrong. So so so fucking wrong. Because I fucking love you Tooru! And I made you feel like you deserved to fucking die!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You… love, me?” Iwaizumi huffed and placed his head on Oikawa’s chest saying, “Yes. Yes I do.” Oikawa was silent. He was… in </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> with him? A smile painted over his face and he breathed out, “I love you too.” “I know. I know.” Iwaizumi said quietly. Oh right, the voicemail. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Iwaizumi helped Oikawa up and he walked him home, holding onto his arm the whole way. “Iwazumi?” “Yes?” Oikawa hesitated for a second. Would he even want to? </span>
  <em>
    <span>No.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “Nevermind.” He said, looking at the ground and sighing. “No tell me.” Iwaizumi said, trying to catch his gaze. “Do you, um, want to stay the night? You don’t have to! You can totally just go home and not be bothered by me! It doesn’t matter-” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure. I will stay at your house tonight. You’re never a bother.” He smiled at Oikawa and he smiled back. When they got there, they greeted his parents, explaining that he was sleeping over, and went upstairs. Oikawa pulled out his phone, realizing that he had about 84 calls from Matsu and Hana. “Damn.” He whispered, started a joint FaceTime call. They both picked up after one ring.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oikawa!” “Are you ok?!” Oikawa smiled weakly and responded, “Yeah. I’m ok. Iwaizumi found me.” Said person entered the screen, looking at the others. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Iwaizumi</span>
  </em>
  <span> found you.” “Yeah how did he even do that? I was trying to find you for like 2 hours.” “Find my iPhone. I have Oikawa’s phone in there because he loses it so much.” He said, looking over at Oikawa, who was staring at the phone blankly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why did you even try to find him? Realize how much of a </span>
  <em>
    <span>bitch</span>
  </em>
  <span> you’ve been?” Matsu questioned. Iwaizumi sighed and responded, “Yeah. Yeah I did. I apologized.” “Dude that isn’t enough to make up for the shit that you put him through!” Oikawa jumped into action saying, “Hey Iwaizumi did what he could. It isn’t his fault for all of this.” “Oikawa, yes it is. Don’t blame yourself alright? Not your fault.” Iwaizumi said, reaching up and brushing one of Oikawa’s bangs out of his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They talked for a while longer, both of them explaining what happened. At about 10, they decided to go to bed. The two hung up and Iwaizumi hopped on Oikawa’s bed. They had been sharing a bed since they were kids at sleepovers.  OIkawa hesitantly laid down on the opposite side of his bed, looking up at the ceiling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oikawa.” He looked over. “Come here.” He opened his arms and Oikawa slowly moved into them. Iwaizumi hugged Oikawa and he put his head into his chest. Oikawa couldn’t calm down. Why was he doing this? “Hey, hey it’s ok. Relax.” Iwaizumi said quietly, looking down at him. “I’m not falling asleep until you do.” Oikawa smiled into his body and melted into his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There you go.”</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>—————</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>2 years later</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oikawa and Iwaizumi decided to go to the same college. And they were roommates. And dating. Oikawa was getting better. He still had his bad days, where he would wrap himself in Iwaizumi’s arms and listen to the steady stream of kind words flowing from his mouth for hours to push away the bad thoughts. There were amazing days, where he would come home smiling and not stop until he fell asleep. There were days where he couldn’t believe he found himself so lucky, grinning contently at Iwaizumi as he studied for an exam across the couch from him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were days when Oikawa felt broken again. But those days, Iwaizumi was always there. With him. To help. And Oikawa has never been more in love with him. And Iwaizumi made sure that Oikawa knew he felt the same. He left him little notes around the house. A simple, ‘I love you Tooru! There is food in the fridge for you.’ Was enough to make his day. Iwaizumi also said everyday as he came home, if Oikawa had gotten there first, “Hey Tooru! Looking amazing baby.” With no fail. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa was never sure his heart had been filled with so much warmth ever. All the cracks, all the tears, everything, had been slowly pieced back together. It took time. And it too so many tears and strife, but it regrew into a new feeling. Happiness. One he hadn’t felt in a while. The first time Oikawa felt himself start to feel it, he spent the rest of the day telling Iwaizumi how amazing it felt. And he listened. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa saw a therapist now. Every Tuesday and Friday. It used to be more recent, but he had not been needing it as much anymore. At first, it was hard for him to open up to her, to anyone. Now, he spills every detail of his day to the ones around him, from the biggest to the smallest thing that he felt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Iwaizumi was there. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Always.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Tooru! What are you doing?” Iwaizumi asked as he walked over to their bed. “Nothing babe. Just listening to some music.” He nodded and layed down next to him, asking, “Can I listen?” Oikawa said a quick, “Yeah.” Before passing him one of his earbuds, and pressing himself into the other’s chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa sighed and closed his eyes, listening to Iwaizumi hum to the lyrics softly as he rubbed circles on his back. “I love you.” Oikawa whispers. “I love you too baby.” Iwaizumi whispers back, kissing his head. Oikawa basks in the warmth of him and hugs him a little tighter. </span>
</p>
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